Thoughts on Recovery – No. 27 – Step One – My life has become unmanageable – By me!
There is a hyphen in step one. It separates the 2 parts of step one. That our life is unmanageable is the second thing I have to admit to myself in step one. For me I had to admit it was unmanageable by me. Me running my life made it unmanageable. I also had to admit it will never be manageable by me – ever!
A speaker said alcoholics die on the hyphen. There may be a lot of truth to that statement. What does it mean for me to say my life is unmanageable? The first thing that I couldn’t manage was not drinking. After I took the first drink the effects of alcohol made my life unmanageable but what they are talking about in step one is my life sober. Many newcomers confuse the unmanageability of their life with the consequences of drinking. That is true to an extent but the disease of alcoholism occurs when one is sober. It is because I couldn’t live sober. Living sober, separated from God ,running the show, I was in conflict with everyone and everything. I was angry and fearful and took actions which harmed myself and others. As stated in the Drs. Opinion the alcoholic becomes irritable, restless, and discontented and seeks the ease and comfort of alcohol. Then the cycle is repeated over and over. Was that true for you?
We talk about hitting bottom. Hitting bottom is not about the external circumstances. It is when I can no longer deny to my innermost self that I have a futile and hopeless condition. I have no power to change my circumstances. I need help and I remember the moment when I got down on my knees and asked God to help me.
The root of my problem is my selfishness. Trying to manage my life run on self-will can never be successful! I have to give up and truly admit that to my innermost self unconditionally. Forever. I have to take the first step 100 percent! Every day.
Why does all of your material always hit me right between the eyes and straight through the heart?